I Am Becoming My Parent

For most of my adult life, I have been worried about becoming my mother. Don't get me wrong. I love my mom. However, she is very negative about almost everything; she is always right & if your opinion is different than hers, then there is something wrong with you; she treats her grand-kids different depending on how well she likes the spouse; she is a hoarder-growing up she was poor & she was taught that everything has multiple uses NEVER THROW OUT ANYTHING! I think I have done a good job at not becoming my mom. There have been times when I will do or say something & I hear my mother...so I stop, evaluate & choose to act different.

I forgot about my dad.

My dad was raised in poverty, parents were not caring, lots of siblings (12 I think) so what the family had was spread very thin. Growing up for me was not as bad as my parents. Six kids, raised in the Coast Guard, two parents who were married over 30 years at the time of his passing in 2003. Comparing the three childhoods-my parents & mine, well I had it better. But, (there is always a but) really, I had an absent dad. He was there physically but emotionally there was nothing. I can count on one hand how many times he said the words "I Love You". Even less how many times he hugged me.

When I was a young adult, in my early 20s, I realized that a lot of my emotional & relationship problems can be traced back to my dad. I decided to change. I wanted my child (one kiddo at the time) to know I loved her & that she could always count on me to be there. I also decided to learn communication skills. Growing up, my siblings & I were not taught how to communicate. Several failed relationships of mine & my siblings were because we didn't talk with our significant other. Took awhile but I was able to break out of my shell. My husband was a big part of it.

Fast forward to August 2012. Right now, my DH & I are having some challenges in our marriage. In November, we will have been married for 11 years. Because of a situation that occurred, my DH & I have decided that we will be 100% honest with each other. No kid gloves-straight truth. One question I have asked  "What do I need to change?" Was not prepared for the answer.

I am becoming my father. I have stopped telling my kids on a daily basis that I love them. I don't make time for them. What ever I am working on at the moment is more important than they are. And I am doing the same to my husband. I get irritated when he wants a few minutes (always in the midst of cooking dinner) or a quick hug. I stopped caring about him. I love him, but I was not feeling it.

I really should have gotten a clue when DD#2 set an alarm on my phone for a daily hug. Hello-McFly! Anybody in there?

I don't want my kids going thru what I went thru. Looking for love in all the wrong places... I want them to be successful adults. I want them to know that I love them no matter what.

What do I do?

I have already implemented a daily snuggle time in the morning before school & again before bed. I can & will take at least 20 minutes out of my schedule to just be with them. Side note: DS#1's teacher has said his behavior has improved.

My 5 o'clock hug is now for both of the kids.

If they come to me with a question or something they are uber excited to share, I make myself pay attention.

I make an effort to let my husband know I love him. I try to spend a couple minutes with him when he gets home from work.

I don't want to be my father. Just there physically because everything else is more important.

I love my dad. I miss my dad. I really wish I could have told him just how much he means to me.